so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
