when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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