Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
