In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
