I think I died a long time ago.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
