You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
