the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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