You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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