just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
