Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize