we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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