I think I won the penis lottery.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Randomize
