just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
