just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
