I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
please come you make the beer taste better
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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