I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
