You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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