So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
