Umm I'm too high to move.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize