Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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