i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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