Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
