News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
