I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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