I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I will pee on everything he values.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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