I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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