I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
