I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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