It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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