wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Randomize
