my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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