Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Randomize