I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
