the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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