sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
