Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
