i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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