We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
