It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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