I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
