Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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