I think I am morally bankrupt
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
