Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
