He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
