I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I didn't notice because vodka
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
