Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
