sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
