I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
