That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
