Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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