Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
