listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
