Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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