I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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