Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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