You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
