i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
