You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
