you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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