so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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