I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
