i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
