tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
